I've been thinking about the nature of apology and how often it's misunderstood. People avoid apologies because they've been taught that it is about accepting blame or fault. That, by apologizing, they must accept the label of "bad guy,” as well as the feelings of shame and damage to their sense of self that accompanies it.
I understand why people feel this way. We live in a culture of retributive justice, which uses punishment as the dominant approach for redressing wrongdoing. This is the dominant view in America, which we see reflected in our institutions, in online discourse, as well as in our personal lives. A frequent example that comes to my mind is infidelity within monogamous relationships. When someone has had a romantic or sexual relationship with someone who is not their monogamous partner, it’s often socially acceptable for the “cheater” to face harsh treatment. They may be ostracized, have their belongings destroyed, made to be homeless, and even be met with physical violence. People may say that this person “brought this on themselves” because of their actions, and yet how does punishment - and, at times, revenge - bring about healing? Is this justice, or is it simply an expression of our pain? Does this bring us closer to healing or simply make us feel better in the moment?
If this is how we treat those who have harmed us, it’s a wonder that anyone ever apologizes for their mistakes.
As a believer in transformative justice and rehabilitation, I believe that an apology can and should be seen as an act of repair. When someone has hurt me or broken my trust, I don’t need the other person to hurt in order for my own healing to be possible. I want to know that they will be accountable for how they’ve impacted me and that they are willing to take steps to prevent hurting me in the future. I need to know that, should our relationship continue, I am safe around them. An apology is the first step towards re-establishing that sense of safety, as it shows that the person who caused harm is invested in the relationship and wants to treat people as they wish to be treated. I try to live by these same values, as well. When I am clumsy with my words or actions, I typically don’t mean to cause harm or break trust, so when I do, I start with an apology as the first step toward repair. Despite my foibles, I hope that the person receiving my apology can remain open enough to hear it.
Apologizing is vulnerable. You are opening yourself to criticism and having your character attacked, which can be uncomfortable or even painful, so there is a need for psychological safety on both sides. I believe that our current system, where someone can expect punishment or ‘cancelation’ for wrongdoing, makes it more difficult for that psychological safety to be established, thus making apologies a less common occurrence. I understand that it can be difficult as the person who was hurt, to be concerned with the person who has caused you pain, but I believe a shared sense of empathy is essential if we want an apology and wish for repair. There must be an attempt on both sides to remain open and vulnerable, so there can be an understanding of how the harmed person was impacted and how the person who caused the harm will make different choices in the future.
Dan Bates, writing for Psychology Today, provides some great insight on how to avoid “fake apologies” and make a genuine attempt at repair.
Acknowledgment: As a repairer, it is essential to acknowledge what happened and how it affected the other person. Acknowledgment is a shared responsibility, as there are often multiple perspectives involved, but f you are taking the initiative to repair, be an active listener and empathize with the person who is hurting.
Acknowledgment does not imply agreement. It is possible to acknowledge and validate someone else's perspective without necessarily agreeing with it. As a repairer, it is crucial to intentionally step outside of your own viewpoint and genuinely consider the other person's perspective.
Apologize: Once the other person feels heard and understood through acknowledgment, they may be ready to receive an apology if one is warranted. If you have caused harm or broken trust, you can apologize for your actions and be accountable for the hurt you have caused.
Actively Listen: Active listening during the repair process may uncover additional emotions that need to be expressed. Many individuals make the mistake of becoming defensive or dismissive, thinking that their previous apology should have resolved everything. However, the expression of these additional emotions is often a form of catharsis and a way for the other person to process their feelings. It is crucial to avoid defensiveness and remain empathetic during this stage. Remember, their emotional processing is necessary to release pent-up emotions and create space for the re-establishment of your connection.
Ask: As you listen to the other person, inquire about how future damage can be prevented. Ask the other person for their thoughts on positive ways to resolve the issue, ensuring that it does reoccur. This is an opportunity to make a request rather for you can do differently in the future to make the other person feel loved and cared for.
Action: Do not ask for feedback if you are unwilling to act upon it. The success of your repair efforts will be measured by the consistent steps taken toward the suggestions provided. When the other person sees you actively incorporating the lessons learned from the repair process, your relationship will be strengthened and trust will be restored.
In a world where genuine apologies can be hard to come by, it is crucial to redefine them as powerful acts of accountability and a commitment to change. We must challenge the existing culture of punishment and shame by prioritizing empathy and embracing the transformative potential of apologies for what they are: an opportunity for repair. Let us understand that apologies are not a sign of weakness, but a courageous step towards healing and growth. Through genuine apologies, we can foster stronger connections, promote understanding, and lay the foundation for healthier relationships and a safer community.